crush

after 4yrs of not being serious of me having crushes on anyone or liking other people for that matter is so over.Last time i posted something here, telling people that i should be having my life back, and not be a prisoner of my past.I talked to nanay melai about it, and she told me i should have done it a little bit earlier.I guess i really should be hit twice or thrice before i could decide on something.I looked at her friendster bulletin, and read that she has a crush on someone in LB.I dont know but i hate thinking about it but my mind and heart is telling me that things are so fast for her.and then just right now, i saw that her status now is that it is complicated, she never put a picture of her with another person in her friendster profile, but i was surprised that she did.I dont know what to feel. I cant really tell her to do things, she has her own way of moving on and I have mine too.And yes, everybody else is telling me that she has that kind of attitude, i thought and even fought for it that she is not like what they are thinking of, but I was wrong.Definitely, as i see it she is a selfish person, only thinking of her needs and not thinking if other people will get hurt as long as she gets the attention the credit the love of all the people around her. I dont know maybe im bitter or something, or maybe im hurting...but not jealous.I must say that i still love her, but my love for her is just a mark of my past.and for the first time, after 4yrs i decided to leave that past now and move on with my life...without her.personally things for me are quite doing well.I guess having kilig moments while watching tv and DVD's are now flowing in me.I missed those days that I will go anywhere just to look for my crushed...and even research about them. Today, i realized that there are so many things that I missed out, being so attached with her made me close my door, my mind even my heart to other possibilities.and now, I can say that I'm having a life without her, and my little step creates new happy memories in my life.surely love will come back to its newer form, and when that day comes, I know that I'll be ready to give myself again...not being afraid to be hurt again.

"sing like no one is listening, dance like no one is watching...LOVE ILIKE YOU'LL NEVER GET HURT...live like its heaven here on earth"

begin

up until now i still dont know what to tell people whenever they ask me if im ok. i still dont know, but i think that conversation a while ago with JB made me realized that, its time for me to begin a new. i have picked up the lessons and accepted what happened and its up to me to begin right away or still be a prisoner of my past.i have loved her and will always love her.but US is now a part of my past and something out there is waiting to be discovered, and someone out there deserves to be given a chance to feel the love i have inside.there is so much love inside of me...and i was blinded that it was only her whom i could share it with.right now i must say that i am not ready to have a relationship or even suitors for that matter.not because its unfair for her or she would think that things are so fast...but (to make things clear)RIGHT NOW I DONT NEED ANY PERSON TO PICK UP THE PIECES AND MAKE ME WHOLE AGAIN..WHAT I NEED IS MYSELF TO DECIDE TO HAVE A NEW LIFE...A LIFE WITHOUT HER A LIFE WITHOUT WHAT IFS...A LIFE NOT LOOKING BACK, AGAIN.and when that time comes, i know that God will be seeking for me again, to ask if i could share what I have with another person, with someone who will not make me whole...but a person complementary to make two person one.and as i always see love...my life will be full of chances, unexplained matters...and even wonderful events...LESSONS ARE NOW LEARNED...AND I DECIDED TO USE THEM...TO MY NEW START

thanks...

God always have His own way of making me happy...Im thankful for everything...Your always there for me...and im very thankful.For my parents, this one's for you..AND FOR MY INSPIRATION..sana marinig ko ulit toh...GALING MO TALAGA CONGRATS MAHAL!.syet im going to cry :( but you will always be and forever me my inspiration...08

currently feeling nothing

tatlong linggo na rin ang lumilipas nang tinapos nyang muli ang relasyon namin. tatlong linggo ko na rin hindi maintindihan ang nararamdaman ko.sa katunayan, wala talaga akong nararamdaman eh.tipong masaya ako sandali tas tatahimik, tas mapapaisip tas iiyak. Pero eto totoo toh, hindi na ako katulad nung una at pangalawang paghihiwalay. Ang sabi nila baka nagmature na talaga ako...o baka lang may gusto akong itago sa sarili ko.ang totoo nyan, hindi ko rin alam, katulad ng nararamdaman ko ngayon. marami na akong advice na nakuha...marami na ring sermon na narinig...pero ang totoo hindi ko pa naririnig yung sarili ko.ang alam ko lang MAHAL KO PA RIN SIYA...oo gago na kung gago...katangahan na...pero yun talaga eh...lalo ko lang narealize yun nung nagkausap kami ni paulo..."ayaw mong maging malaya, dahil para sayo siya lang ang pwede mong mahalin"oo wala akong gustong mahalin at wala akong gustong makasama habang buhay siya lang.pero mali eh...MALI NANG MAHALIN ANG ISANG TAONG KUNG TRATUHIN AKO EH PARANG LARUAN.pero kapag naiisip ko yan...maiisip ko palaging SAPAT ANG PAGMAMAHAL KO AT PAGMAMAHAL NIYA PARA MAGING TAMA ANG LAHAT NG MALI.natatakot ako...natatakot na masaktan ulit.TAKOT AKONG IBIGAY ANG SARILI KO DAHIL BAKA IWAN AKO.tangina talaga...nasaktan ko na si JB ng dahil sa lintik na pagmamahal na to ayoko ng makasakit ulit.nasaktan ko na yung boyfriend nya...ng dahil lang sa lintik na pagmamahal na toh, kaya ayoko na.AYOKO NA PERO BIGLANG HIHIGPIT ANG HAWAK NG PUSO KO.gusto kong maging malaya pero kinukulong ko ang sarili ko...nakikipag date nga ako pero siya pa rin ang hinahanap ko...binabasted ko kaagad kapag nakikita kong hindi katulad niya...pero di pwede yun eh...wala ng pwedeng maging tulad niya dahil nag-iisa siya...ganun din nag-iiisa lang siya sa puso ko.BINUO KO NA NGA YUNG MUNDO KO SA KANYA EH...pero tama na...itigil na natin toh.

gusto ko munang mapag-isa...gusto kong buuin ang sarili ko, na walang tulong ng iba...at sana magawa ko ng magmahal ulit...magmahal na walang takot...na hindi nakatanikala sa anino nya...na hindi na muling lilingon pa...JUST LEAVE ME ALONE...

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wops... sorry for this very, very late apology. kanina ko lang nabasa yung lj na dated.... kailan ba yun? basta hntagal na pala. Ö

ANYwei, sorry for what i posted before na 'di ko na mashado maalala... i wasn't thinking rationally at that time and you did not deserve that.

p'ro honestly, i'm happy for you and pau. as in tunai, walang gaguhan.Ü tanong mo pa kai sil. kilala mo naman sil, diba?Ö

*** thanks for this message, weird noh pero gumaan ang pakiramdam ko nang mabasa ko. i dont
know if you are still reading my blog but just so you know...hehehe wala na kami.and i understand what you are feeling when your writing that entry...ako nga yung dapat magsorry sayo eh..kung nagalit man ako sandali lang yun...tas wala na...siguro dala lang ng emosyon kaya ganon.thanks again.

kewl ka nga k'se tunai ka eh... well, from what i gathered ha. stay true. ja!